Dear Jesus,

     Love your life story, baby! We'd like to develop it with an eye towards making it a feature motion picture, or at the very least a direct-to-video quickie for those lucrative overseas markets. But we have a few comments/suggestions:

• Lose the Rip Van Winkle beard. J.C. should sport a trendy coffeehouse goatee.
• Regarding J.C.'s dress and sandals and tunics are fine for puttering around the house but we see the Son of God in Armani.
• Jesus' crown of thorns would be difficult to merchandise to kids. How about "J.C.'s Magic Hat Of Sorcery And Wonder"?
• Our polling data suggests that audiences would respond better to Jesus if, instead of being a carpenter, he was a hip, trash-talking Myrrh Salesman with a weakness for the ladies. Salesmen are easier to redeem.
• Instead of speaking in parables, we're wondering if Jesus could rap his sayings: "The harvest truly is plentiful, but the laborers are fewŠf-f- few, damn fewŠain't nobody there. Word up!"
• Carrying around a cross all day is hea-vy! But in this day and time, we've got to be thinking product placement. Could Christ's cross actually be a big "T" in a billboard for Triscuit Wafers?
• We would like there to be more "ethnically diverse" apostles. Some babes wouldn't hurt, either.
• We've got a problem with the "walking on water" part of your story. Forget the cost of special effects, the ASPCA would clamp down on us and insist that Jesus had to "water walk" responsibly and not stomp on any trout or bass.
• We've spoken to our writers about the Last Supper Scene. Please, dump it! It doesn't work because, by fingering Judas, Jesus tips the climax WAY too soon. It would be like Ramses offering Moses a "Ten Commandments" Salt & Shaker Set as a going away present. Don't telegraph it, baby.
• We love the "rising from the dead" segment of your story. It has sequel written all over it!