“Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that your hand would be with me, and that you would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain.” So God granted him what he requested.—The Prayer of Jabez

The Prayer of Jabez’ next-door neighbor, Shabez:

“Lord, would you please clue me in on your definition of evil? I know that You have ‘kept Jabez from evil’ but he’s such a shlub! He’s got all the water rights for a couple days’ journey in every direction, and he charges me 15 sheep a year just to let my flocks use the springs and wells. OK, maybe that’s not evil, but it’s not very nice either.

“Another thing -- I’ve really had it with this ‘enlarging his territory’ thing. Oy vey! Last year when I couldn’t pay my 15-sheep bill at the end of the year, he made me sign over the deed to another hunk of my grandfather’s grazing land. That’s the third year in a row that his territory has gotten bigger and mine has gotten smaller. What a schmuck I’ve been. OK, maybe that’s not evil either, but is it right? Se shtinkt!

“Something else that bugs me is how Jabez’ kids are always pushing my kids around. I know that technically Jabez himself isn’t causing anyone pain, but his oldest punk son has shlogen my youngest son three times now. Couldn’t you at least make him pick on somebody his own size? Plus I hate that ‘My kid is an honor student at the Yeshiva’ bumper sticker he’s got on his camel. “And his daughters! Lord, have you seen them lately? They paint themselves up like professionals, and hang out at the city gates. They belong in a shandhoiz! Of course, my hormone-ridden sons are such shlemiels, they are half crazy about them. Listen to this: they’ve sold off several she-goats just to buy jewelry for these girls, in the ridiculous hope of marrying into his family. Jabez has already made it clear that only princes are allowed to ask for his daughters in marriage.

“I just don’t know what to do, Lord. I guess I’ve got to move, but I don’t have any camels left. I sure don’t want to shlep my wife’s clothing half-way to Cana on my back! Could you at least get me a nice camel so I’d have something to pack my bags on? Thanks. I’ve got to go cook for another one of Jabez’ big parties now. At least maybe I’ll make a little something on tips from the goys tonight. Shalom, Big Guy”