TROY, MI-Prophecy expert Jack Van Impe recently announced that JVI Ministries will soon add sports and weather to its global news and end-times events program.

"If the Spirit of the Lord can provide me with advance information regarding the movements of the future State of Russia as it sweeps down (Ezekiel 32:7) and invades Israel (Jeremiah 31:8), then He can surely lead me to tell of tomorrow's weather (John 5:16) and to predict the outcome of this next Super Bowl (Ezra 8:6)," Van Impe said.

Van Impe admits that the move is at least in part a response to recent polls indicating that the average viewer regards Van Impe's Global News as "irrelevant," "out of touch" and "laughably absurd."

"We want to give people news that they can use (Ruth 4:6)," he said. "I mean, if 'The Bear' [Russia] fulfills its prophetic destiny (Daniel 7:2) and ceases from its slumber (Joel 4:16), there is not much that the average American can do about it (Isaiah 10:18). But they can decide on tomorrow's picnic (I Corinthians 11:2-8)."

Van Impe made his debut as a meteorologist on Friday's program when he predicted that the African Sahara would "experience [a] severe drought (Hosea 8:7) leaving the region virtually useless for sustained agriculture (Matthew 24:6)."

In related news, JVI Ministries announced that Rexella Van Impe will unveil an Entertainment Tonight-styled prophetic show later this spring.

"Ooo, it'll be simply divine," she cooed. "We'll cover everything from today's hottest sex symbols (Genesis 38:8-10) to the latest fashions (Genesis 9:20-25).