The Holy Prepuce—which is the, ahem, foreskin of Jesus—has been missing since 1983, but all the bishops and priests who might be able to shed light on the matter of its whereabouts have been silenced by papal decree. Therefore The Wittenburg Door put in a formal request for an audience with the Pope this week, specifically to ask him, as the only authorized person who can speak about this, just exactly why the Holy Prepuce has not been seen for 25 years, even though it’s supposed to be taken down from the bronze doors over the altar in the Church of the Most Holy Name of Jesus in Calcata, Italy, and displayed each January 1st during the Feast of the Holy Circumcision. At one time you could have received 10 years off your sentence in Purgatory simply by showing up for the unveiling of the sacred foreskin. Of course our founder Martin Luther wouldn’t approve of that, so we’ll pass on the actual indulgence—we would just like to see the priapic relic before we die. If the priests in Calcata lost it, then please just go ahead and tell us now, you’re only making it worse by trying to hide your mistakes, although we can definitely imagine how humiliating it would be to lose something that had been around for almost 1,200 years, ever since Charlemagne received it from an angel and gave it to Pope Leo III. There’s still time for that interview with the Pope, though, and if it’s easier for him, he can even answer by email, because we only have this one question: Where is the Sacred Whangdoodle Remnant?